Home » NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder » Life at the receiving end of a Narcissist

Life at the receiving end of a Narcissist

Face to Face with A Psychopath

Compiled by – Varun Arora

Be Careful of who you Trust; the Devil was once an Angel.

A narcissist will poke at a bee hive so they can complain to everybody about the resulting bee sting.

Now think what they will do to you?

Malignant Narcissists are experts at betraying people. It comes naturally to them. They feel no empathy towards their targets. They feel no remorse for their evil deeds, they believe that the targets deserved it, and shouldn’t complain when they are being punished.

Remember, never to trust a Narcissist!

The ultimate hypocrite, they have extremely high expectations of fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you rather they will cheat, lie, insult and degrade, whereas you are expected to remain perfect.

The Narcissistic sociopath views themselves as not how they truly are. Meaning in reality they are the epitome of selfishness yet see themselves as a victim of less than a loving spouse.  A Narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They are offended by the truth. But what is done in dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing true colors!

“A Narcissist is someone who demands you give up everything in order to be their Nothing.”

People don’t get how disordered a Narcissist is; how badly the Narcissist messes up with your head. We won’t listen when you tell us to “just get over it” this is deeper than normal end of relationship process because this was not a normal relationship; it was a hit and run. These people murder a part of your soul and then leave the scene of the crime and blame you for it.

“I was so busy to protect you that I couldn’t see I needed to be protected FROM you!”

Narcissists have secret lives. They lie effortlessly. They are two faced-appearing with a perfect public image that most people believe. In the shadows, when no one is looking they do tremendous damage to the family members including their children.

Narcissists have two faces – their real face and a stage face, and neither is anything like each other. Which one you will see will depend on how long you are known to them. Narcissists can be very charming and know how to gain a favor. Anyone who doesn’t know a narcissist will tell you that the Narcissist is one of the greatest people they have ever met! They believe he or she is one of the most intelligent, kindest, most interesting, funny, agreeable, most attractive, talented or accomplished people ever. They may wish they themselves had it so together or were so popular.

However, anyone who knows the same Narcissist better, like family members, longtime coworkers will tell you the Narcissist is one of the most horribly frustrating and toxic people they know and a mere mention of their name makes them feel uneasy, angry, frustrated or otherwise unhappy. Being the only one who is experiencing a Narcissist’s real face, while all other people still only see the stage face is a very lonely, painful and frustrating place to be. Thankfully the number of people who can see through the façade tends to increase with time.

“You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions”

The Narcissist will belittle and demean you, criticize and insult you, pick you apart and judge you, they are most toxic and negative people alive. Then when you stand up for yourself they try to tell others that you are the “Toxic” one. They say this because they can’t stand it when you no longer allow them to run over you and treat you like trash. They can’t admit their own horrible behavior, so they try to make it look like it’s all your fault.

You will waste your whole life waiting for them to change. Sleeping next to them and feeling alone. Wondering why they won’t treat you right. You keep thinking it’s your fault and you give more and more, hoping your efforts will change things. You are in love with a lie, this is just the truth that you don’t want to face it. Let go…

You did your best to be what your partner wanted you to be and did what your partner wanted you to do. But it was impossible because their needs and opinions change from day to day. But neither you or your behavior were ever the real issue. Your partner unconsciously projected their own self-hate and feelings of worthlessness onto you. The longer the relationship lasted, the more you started to own those feelings, that’s one reason you held so long.

Narcissists live with a chronic sense of entitlement to have the life revolve around them and their needs. They expect to be able to invest very little in their relationships but demand to get a high yield in return. The life of a Narcissist is truly all about them and that will never change because they see nothing wrong in their attitude or behavior.

Toxic people will always adamantly deny that their actions are hurtful. Victims can spend excessive amounts of time trying to explain precisely what the Narcissist has done that is abnormal. The abuser may temporarily admit their actions are harmful but guess what always follows? The hard swing back to denial. Abusers like to say things like,” what do I do to you?” or “How have I made your life harder?” These comments come even after the survivor has laid out all the evidence of abuse.

The bottom line? The toxic people will never take lasting responsibility for their behaviors and that’s why they will NEVER change!

Accept that the Narcissist is what he or she is. They are totally incapable of love and deep connection. Nothing you did or didn’t do could change the outcome. You were not loved for you as a person, you were viewed as an object and loved for your utility and not for your individuality. You were used for the perks you were able to provide. You were their human helium tank that maintained their inflated view of themselves.

“The manipulative patterns of Narcissists; lie, deny and cry and if all else fails, use the final “pity play” to get others to feel sorry for them, and give them their way.”

The Narcissist knows that the best way to exploit empathetic people is, take advantage of our natural desire to help and care for others. They do this by orchestrating not one, but many, pity plays. They fabricate illnesses; they describe fake injuries; they lie about being the victims and they lament about how their “crazy” exes broke their hearts- hearts they don’t actually have! They deliberately spin their tales of woe in order to cement the psychopathic bond that’s been created by the “Love Bombing” and flattering us. They use the plays to portray a façade of real humanity and emotional depth. They pretend to be good people going through the rough times, and this is how they are able to manipulate anyone who is kind and loving. So beware of “poor me” routine as Martha Stout writes,” The most reliable sign, a universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearlessness. It is perversely an appeal to our sympathy.”

“Strong women don’t play a victim, don’t make themselves look pitiful and don’t point fingers. They stand & they deal.”

Once you have fallen in love, the mask begins to slip. This is not someone who simply lost interest because you fell in love with them (that’s another kind of Jerk). No, psychopaths will continue the façade and toss back the remnants of the idealize phase, if they ever feel that they’re are losing power. They manipulate you with past hopes, giving you a glimmer of light to hang onto. But ultimately they will abandon you in the cruelest way imaginable, full of contempt and hatred that you will not be able to comprehend at the time because you are too distracted with the memories of your idealizer, not your abuser.

When it comes to loving the Narcissist all we can really do is love a dream we have of them. This dream can be so strong and beautiful that it becomes something we come to superimpose on the true narcissist. Every little spark of something nice they said or did, enforces the “truth” of that dream. This keeps us at a safe distance from what is really happening. The dream keeps the painful reality at bay. However, at some point, it’s necessary to see the dream for what it is and recognize that it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just that they have made themselves completely unavailable to unconditional love.

But she was unable to love anyone or anything except herself.  She made promises that she never meant to keep. She talked about the future she knew would never happen. She knew she was inflicting pain and didn’t care.

She had a darkness of soul like she had never seen. Her eyes turned cold and dark and her speech ugly and painful she drove him to near madness and then laughed at his pain, and left him broken and bleeding.”

Hold your head up… You see it was never about you. You could have been anyone. It was about her insecurities, her inability to love, her damaged core and heart. For her it was just about capturing you, using up all the good and then discarding you.

She will do it again with every man she meets because that’s all she knows

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Did the Narcissist ever really Love you?

Perhaps she loved the idea of you. Perhaps she loved how you made her feel. Perhaps she loved the fantasy of what life with you could bring her. Perhaps she loved the idea that she has finally found someone who will love her unconditionally and ignore her shortcomings (which are a lot.) Perhaps she was taken by your intelligence, or wit or behavior. But she was never strong to get to the next level. And ultimately that is what you wanted, right? You wanted a real, mature, loving, caring, nurturing relationship that considered your needs. And you weren’t simply going to get from someone that shallow. 

“If someone treats you like shit, just remember that there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying human beings.”

No matter which type of Narcissist she is, the end result is the same – a slow, insidious breaking down of the self-esteem of her victims until there is next to nothing left at which point the Narcissist will throw the partner out in order to look for someone new and full of life to make her next target. Leaving her victim an emotional wreck wondering what he did to destroy their once “perfect” relationship.

“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.”

The Narcissist has a lot of built up resentment towards her significant other, she knows she is reliant on you for validation. However, she craves variety and is easily bored. As a result, she blames you for tying her down to a monotonous and mundane lifestyle. This creates in her a great deal of anger towards you because she does not want to rely on you, yet she must in order to get validation she so desperately needs. She does not respect you because she knows you put up with a lot of abuse from her. You have done nothing wrong but be overly giving and nurturing, yet she is angry with you and blames you for all of her unhappiness.

The relationship with the Narcissist in a nutshell: You will go from the perfect love of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted emotionally, mentally and may be financially, and then get blamed for it.

The narcissistic personality is non-accountable, and it is of great use to have a partner who not only cleans up the messes but will also accept the projections of the narcissistic personality’s False Self and still keep handing over the narcissistic supply.

The codependent by focusing on the Narcissist rather than themselves keeps handing his or her power over and forfeiting personal rights. A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, “NPD” has the ability to size up another person’s weaknesses and play on them. The Narcissist will not only appeal to get the co-dependent’s empathy, allegiance and loyalty at the beginning stage of the relationship, but also knows that the co-dependents need for approval will allow the Narcissist personality to later devalue the co-dependent and project the narcissist’s unhealed wounds onto him or her and make the co-dependent believe he or she is at fault.

A Narcissist will demean, insult, criticize, pick apart, put you down and do anything to try to inflict pain. If you do not agree with them or you do not allow their behavior to continue, they will quickly discard you because you don’t serve their purpose anymore. Narcissists need either people who give them huge Ego Boosts, or those who they can put down and hurt. Narcissists always look for conflict and they leave a trail of victims especially within their own families or that were close to them.

“A Narcissist will rather impress a stranger than loved by his family.”

Some people believe that sending/giving unconditional love will help, but here’s the thing: Narcissists don’t want unconditional love. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty. It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change. In the Narcissist’s mind, these are all awful things that are to be avoided at all costs.

So when it comes to helping the Narcissists, every time it seems you are getting somewhere, you are faced with a new impenetrable wall. Face it, they want to stay behind it. It’s not your fault that you cannot love or be loved by them, they were never available for the real love in first place.

“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for you”

 The Narcissist has a total lack of concern for the pain he or she inflicts on you, your children, your friends, and your family. They don’t feel guilty, remorse or shame. They feel no empathy for anyone’s pain and don’t care about anyone’s happiness except their own. The Narcissist doesn’t care about what they are, only the illusion of what they seem to be. For a Narcissist, there seems to be no right or wrong, only what they happen to want at that moment.

When the Narcissist is facing an uncomfortable truth, he or she will often angrily change the subject or accuse YOU of what she has done…this is done to avoid responsibility. The Narcissist will blame you and anyone else for what is going wrong in her life. Going into a rage is a common form of deflection, but anything she does, that takes the focus off her own behavior is a deflection.

“The extreme highs and lows of a psychologically abusive relationship often mirror that of addictions. The lows include intense anxiety and confusion. The highs are a rush of adrenaline. Recovery comes when survivors realize that entire experience is manufactured by the toxic person. The tactic is to keep the person “off balance” and addicted to high moments”

Narcs don’t have friends they have supporters of their toxic behavior. When the Narcissists family seeks to attack your credibility know that they are enablers. They have been repeatedly manipulated and used by the Narcissist. Enablers protect the bad things that the Narcissist has done and have the potential to blame or accuse you if the Narcissist begins to act out. She could be the most abusive person in the world, but if she has enablers, it makes her feel more powerful because no one is telling her to stop. The Narcissist cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them the same way, and they just stare back at you blankly. The Narcissist will never answer your questions honestly…will never answer why. Instead, they will attack you for asking…or use diversion by saying things like, “Oh God…not again”…

We know they are disordered right? So in our logical mind, we think when someone is sick or mentally ill you visit the appropriate physician and find a fix or a cure. In this situation, there aren’t any fixes or cures. Psychiatrists generally don’t even treat them because they end up manipulated too. The Narcissist doesn’t even know they have a problem so how can they fix it?

“Narcissism is one of the only disorders that is left untreated while everyone close to them ends up needing extensive treatment”

A malignant Narcissist very rarely agrees to attend therapy. If they do please understand, there is an agenda attached they will use the time to convince the therapist that they are the actual victim. More often than not, they do it very convincingly…

Breaking up with a dysfunctional Narcissist is like is like waking up from a Coma. You have to relearn even the most basic things of your life. This is because during the course of your relationship with the Narcissist you were slowly, and methodically, being ‘Erased’.

Will the Narcissist improve with Age? Sadly No. In fact, the older they get, the more they lose their looks and mental capability, and also their realization that their Grandiose Ideas have not come to pass. If anything, aging is likely to cause more depression and anger within them.

How do you seek revenge on a Narcissist? How do you win this evil battle and stop the diseased being? The reality is that you have already won. You are able to love with all your heart and put conscious thought into your actions. The Narcissist died long ago, that is if he or she had a soul. A Narcissist is a cold blooded wolf, is incapable of loving, they envy us and our ability to thrive and experience happiness.

If you ever manage to get “one up” on a Narcissist, it’s likely to be a hollow victory at best. They may rage, play the victim, or disappear. None of these outcomes gives the victim a true satisfaction. More than any other disorder on the PD spectrum, Narcissists are like psychological vampires, attaching them to you in a way that drains you of your resources (emotional, mental and financial) and leaves you questioning your own worth and sanity.

The most frustrating feeling for me has been trying to understand why?

It is very painful when people look at you with a question mark, and these are primarily four types of people;

  1. Immediate family who see you in pain and agony and will stand by you, always trying to comfort you, support you and they feel your pain.
  2. Close Friends, they have an independent perspective, they believe they know what went wrong in your life, and will convincingly tell you the same and advise you to get over it for its long enough, and you should be strong by now. They do it with all good intentions for you.
  3. The preachers, they will come up with clichéd advice, explaining the laws of Karma, The Gita, and The Bible, they will tell you “What is yours will come back to you…if it is meant to be.” They assume they understand it all and are spiritually evolved souls.
  4. “Care a damn” for what goes on in your life, they need gossip to talk about, they will intentionally bring up the topic to hurt you or tease you.

The thing is, none of the above can fathom the pain and agony caused by the destruction unleashed by the Narcissist or what you are going through.

Thank God! and pray that no one ever has to feel what you had to go through.

I needed answers for myself so I started searching for them and realized they are thousands like me. There is a whole subject on the NPD, went through articles, books, blogs and forums to collate the above article, thanks to the experts and survivors who have come out to share their knowledge and experiences, I could find answers and closure to my WHY?

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2 thoughts on “Life at the receiving end of a Narcissist

  1. A exhaustive compilation on a subject which is a challenge for a layperson to understand .,. It gives a insights into the mind of a narcissist but difficult to recognise one. Wow…. phew… a lot of information

    Like

  2. So true. And the narcissist left her loving man and little daughter, pinched another womans partner, married him at once and just enjoys live without wasting any thought for all the victims both left behind.

    Like

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